Suck it all Up

I woke up today and went to work. But all my nerves and all tiny cells of my soul where left at home.

Gawd, I am so freakin' tired.

Tired. Sleepy. And feeling sick.

Had an episode with my heart disease last night. Hyperventilating without end. About 10 to 20 mins. Had to cry it out to finally let it out.

And just as quickly as it came, it was lost like it never came.

And the aftermath of it all is being felt today.

Now I am so f**cking tired.

Really really tired.

I would pay a million to my boss to let me stay home today.

But I can't.

Because we have a meeting today.

And I dont have my million yet.

Sigh.

Work really sucks every so often.

Dreaming But Awake

This blog I made on one night last year when I couldn't get myself to sleep. Still keeps me up when Im way down =)

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I stay awake, thoughts interrupted my sleep. I close my eyes, with all efforts to doze off, but all seems energized. Even my brain. Not to mention my grumbling stomach. So goes another time for reflection...one of which I rarely do.

Amazing what staying awake can do. I see my self. I see my life. Flashing before me, I cant help but smile.

Life has been great. Not that I didnt have my fair share of heartbreaks and lifebreakers. Too much to mention, to little space to discuss. In a nutshell, life has been filled with smiles and cheers, with much pain and tears. Still amazed why Im still alive..the meds may have allowed my body parts to function the way it should be. Maybe.

I look back with awe, amazed on what I have been through, who I have been with, how I have felt and the decisions I made to be where I am right now. Amazing, life could really be indescribable when you take one step backward to look at it. Im excited what the future will bring.

I wonder what it'll be like tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next year and the years after that.

I'm happy right now. Not necessarily jumping up and down with so much joy. Just happy. Happiness with much content. Life is hard but who says it is not. I guess the key to having a great disposition in life is knowing how to handle it in your brain.

You teach yourself to be the way you are when things are the way they are.

Tough job, but life is much tougher. My job seems tough and the people I deal with makes it tougher...but I promised myself not to let them be tougher than me. Im decided on that. And they cant taint my picture of life, no matter how difficult they make my life be. Words are just mere uttered sounds. It can't hurt me. True, it'll only make me tougher. (Note to self: I'm not blogging to chant on my job frustrations. Life is great. Life if beautiful. Smile.)

I may not be as religious and as devoted as others may be. But God knows how thankful I am for the life that I am living. I guess when you reach a certain level of thought, contentment follows.

Achieving more than what was expected...climbing mountains and exploring caves when all people doubted my capacity...doing the things I love mostly...making a difference without having to brag about it...helping few strangers here and there...loving like crazy like tomorrow will never come...exploring life and exploring the world an inch at a time...great family, wonderful friends, a rewarding job...I could not ask for more. Well, maybe a much cheaper salbutamol and ventolin inhalers...

What's next for me, that i will yet to discover. I've been able to mark most tick boxes on my life checklist. My "Before-I-Die" Checklist. Get a good paying job: check. Learn to drive a four wheed vehicle: check. Buy my own place: check. Travel alone by plane: check. Stand beside Bo Sanchez: check. Plant a tree and save the world: check. Climb a mountain: check. Learn a sport: check. Try spelunking: check. Learn a new language: check (technically, "aneung haseyo" is a new language). Be promoted within the first five years: double check. Wear micro mini skirt in public: check. See the world with the man I love: half check (we've only done local travels. Saving for you, Disneyland!). Try alcohol and cigarettes: check. Make my momma proud: check. Learn to stand up and fight for one's self: check check check!

Took me twenty six years to have it checked.

More tick boxes to mark. Learn to swim. Watch a movie alone. Enrol in a gym. Eat vegetables. Wear 4" high heels for one day. Get my masters degree. Use my PRC license for what its worth. Teach kindergarden kids. Sing on stage. Make a quilt. Tend my own garden. Cut my boyfriend's goatee. Take my family on a shopping spree. Plan my own wedding. Be a wife and a mom. Outgrow asthma. Grow taller (ehem, I think this one belongs to the Wishlist to Santa). Complete my "Before-I-Die" checklist before I reach 50. (God knows if i'll reach that age!)

With all these joys, I wish I could teach people how to have this kind of happiness. But I know that's impossible...Life ain't made to be taught.

It is for one to experience and learn. It ain't generic...what works for me may not really work for all. I ain't happy going to discos, but some people find that fun. Weird...I guess that's just how life is. I hope to remember this moment...my lightbulb moment. Happy and thankful. I wish I'll remember to stay happy and still thankful...even if the 'diablos' in my life take away my mana. (Ok, ok, I admit Im addicted to Diablo)

Moodswings. Maybe tomorrow my body levels will flactuate, estrogen and all...Maybe then i'll blog on how life sucks.

Here to Stay

A friend of mine just resigned from work. Told me she left because she's no longer happy.

Sigh. A lot of people are fighting off at job fairs just to get one. And yet, there are those who, in just a snap, can decide to let it all go and 'look for a whole lotta greener pastures'.

Then again, it makes me think..

What is it that makes one stay?

I have been working now for almost five years. I remember the first few weeks. The bus rides. The awkward smiles. The torture of waking up at 3 in the morning. The cold mornings and the grueling afternoons.

I remember I told myself I wouldn't last for more than a year in this job.

But look me now. Five years going on six and I'm still here.

And looking at the past years and million tasks I've accomplished, I guess it is but just fair to say that I stayed this long because I love the job that I do.

Except for the pay, of course.

But you see, I cannot complain.

Not because I do not have the right to. But because whenever I look at my colleagues, I am amazed just how lucky I am to be doing the work that I do and being with the people that I am with right now.

Sometimes, it's not just the money that matters. It's the self fullfillment you get.

And I get that a whole lot.

Imagine being so stressed at work with crazy deadlines and all. No time to even eat a meal. And at the end of the meeting, you hear "Good Work, Jodee" from your boss. And all the stress just melts away. Gone. Disappeared.

Yeah yeah, shallow Jodee. But I can't apologize for being one.

Because being complimented for doing a good work and a good job pays my soul. Not just my house.

For now I'm staying here.

Not because I have to.

But because I want to.

Working Bitch

I pause. I am silent. I think.

What is it that I do?

I mean about work. What do I really do? Who I really am? Which level do I belong?

One thing is certain though. I am not doing the job I was hired to do.

Can't say I'm not happy. The payoff has been more than expected.

But I can't say Im happy either. I work the work of about 3 or 4 people. Then I get paid for the head of 1.

At times I wonder and at times I feel nonchalant about it. But now I have learned to laugh about it.

Not because it is funny.

But because I have no other feelings to use.

Can't complain now though. Too early still. The power lies to the those who are patient. Manny has taught me about emotional quotient. I am not about to be failure on this field.

For as long as I do the task at hand and continue to bitch around, I guess I'll be fine.

Detoxifying the Toxic

Since I sat my butt here four hours ago, I haven't done anything productive.

Maybe because it's a Saturday. That's usually a good reason not to have that 'working mood'.

I kept ranting that I left my keys at home. Keys for my cabinet. Cabinet where all my office stuffs are. Staplers (yes, three of them), Post-it pads, pens, calculator and a choco bar I have yet to eat since I bought it 2 weeks ago..Don't have the keys. Can't see my stuff. Therefore, NOT in the mood to work.

Well, signing about 4 papers could count as productive. Maybe I'll start with that.

And then lo and behold, I decided to make a new blog instead.

To rant about my work. To rant about when I got too much work. And to rant about when I have nothing else to work at.

I could be so damn funny. Using the ever famous words of Manny, sometimes, I do amaze myself.

So here's to being productive.

And cheers to my new blog. =)